One of the great myths is that if we have lots of different folks from various groups represented that we have created a “community.” In actuality it’s a whole lot more complex than that, as most groups have discovered when conflicts and misunderstandings begin to accumulate because of the myriad of cultural, gender, generational and global differences.
To truly create a “community” in its truest sense, requires each person to feel they belong. Like all good relationships, belonging requires a foundation built on authenticity, trust and a willingness to let go of always being in control and trying to define everything from our own perspective and experiences. In other words, learning to be open to new worlds that we are unfamiliar with and have never experienced…coming from a place of curiosity and empathy.
To develop a community of belonging that is sustainable in the midst of escalating conflicts and polarizing differences requires becoming mindfully proficient with some basic communication-building skillsets:
MINDFULLY LISTENING & RESPONDING
To truly listen is to be willing to hear the key concerns of another and then to respond in a way that they feel seen, understood and believed. This occurs when we are willing to reflect on what they’ve shared, to be curious and empathetic. In return, once they feel understood and heard, they are often more willing to share about in their journey honestly and how it has impacted their lives and in their relationship with you and others.
OBSERVING & EXPLORING THE IMPACT OF OUR INTERACTIONS
Each time someone speaks there is an impact on the group and individuals. The work is to notice the impact and to explore what comes up for those who are affected. What might they be feeling? What’s familiar to them about what just happened and how does that impact how they see themselves and others?
NOTICING WHEN WE ARE DISCONNECTED AND WANTING TO KNOW WHY
Often there is a disconnection because of something said or done. The work is to notice when that occurs and to help identify the source of that disengagement and the reasons behind one’s feelings. The emotions behind the disconnection are needing to be safely heard expressed, felt and validated. Re-connection occurs when we are open to hearing the full truth of what caused the disconnection, and the willingness take responsibility and to change.
NOTICING WHAT IS NOT BEING SAID AND WHY
Being mindful when someone is talking is not only noticing what they are saying but also being aware of what they are not. Many times, there is a story behind their hesitancy, a family history of secrets, societal consequences for telling the truth, fear of reprisals, being labeled. The work of being mindful, is to create a safe container to speak the truth. Someone once said, “The truth is always there. Saying it out loud, now that’s the hard part.
EMBRACING THE INTIMACY OF ANGER & HURT
There is an intimacy when anger and hurt are expressed. It is a time of finally telling the truth, to release what can no longer be withheld. It can be a time of healing and the pathway to reconnecting. Often when our hurt is not acknowledged or validated it becomes anger. So, listening to the hurt can diminish the need for one to turn to anger in order to be heard and believed. When anger is expressed, it is important to be curious about what is behind the anger.
As Maya Angelou once shared: “I may not remember what you said or did.
But, I will always remember how you made me feel.”
