Skip to content
StirFry Seminars & Consulting
  • Home
  • About Us
    • Lee Mun Wah
    • Mission & History
    • StirFry Staff
    • FAQ
    • StirFry in the News
    • Quan Yin Training Center
    • Lee Mun Wah on Video & Podcasts
    • Photo Galleries
  • Trainings & Seminars
    • New! Film Night with Lee Mun Wah
    • Calendar of Events
    • Customized Workshops
    • Public Workshops
      (Berkeley, CA)
    • One-on-one Consultations with Lee Mun Wah
    • Consultations with Jimmi Langemo
    • Mindful Facilitation Online Certification Program
  • Resources
    • Handouts for Educators and Workplaces
    • Join Mailing List
    • Lee Mun Wah on Video & Podcasts
    • Newsletter/Archive
    • Reflections by Lee Mun Wah
  • Films and Products
    • Browse Products
    • Meet the Film Casts
    • Promo Film/Trailer
    • Copyright and Use Agreement
  • Contact

I’m Afraid I’ll Offend You

  • February 9, 2023
  • Lee Mun Wah
Caucasian businessman looking at african business rival with hate dislike envy, diverse competitors in suits working in office on laptops, multiracial colleagues enemies showing rivalry at work

This one statement and many others like it by whites, keeps us (BIPOC and whites) apart and in constant fear and hesitation to fully get to know each other. Let me share how and why. Recently, in one of my workshops, Mary, a participant shared that as a white woman, she’s afraid to ask questions of people of color, so she keeps everything friendly and safe until they get to know each other better. I then asked her why she felt she needed to keep it safe and friendly and she replied, “Why, so I wouldn’t offend them.” I asked the group what they noticed as she spoke. The mostly white group was clueless and the few BIPOC were silent. I shared with her and everyone else that she said ‘I’, not that the BIPOC said that they would feel offended. She pulled back in surprise because she had never thought about it from that perspective.

So, then the larger question becomes, where did Mary learn that if she asked questions of BIPOC, that they would be offended? Mary, pondered for a moment, and finally shared, “Why, from my friends.” When I asked her which friends, she waited and eventually replied, “Well…my white friends.” “I was wondering,” I responded, “have you ever asked your friends of color personal questions?” You see, therein, lies the problem with race relations in America today: most whites don’t have everyday friends of color outside of work, and for the few that do, they seldom bring up the issues of discrimination or what’s like to be a BIPOC. They are simply friends with a fine line that is seldom crossed, until a George Floyd or Rodney King incident occurs.

Years ago, when my film, The Color of Fear premiered, two of my oldest and dearest white friends asked me if I thought they were ‘racist.’ I could see just by the way they asked me and then pulled back, that they were holding their breath, hoping for the best possible outcome: no. That look was one that I have become accustomed to from the day I was born. I could sense that same fear in my classrooms and from all my white friends, teachers and administrators…even from my counseling and university professors. You see, they were taught to study the history of the civil rights movement and highlight a handful of civil rights leaders, but not how to have an intimate conversation amongst the BIPOC students and whites.

I would like to make a few suggestions. To break this endless vicious cycle of silence: Be curious. When a BIPOC shares a story or reacts to a statement in the room, reflect back what they have shared, ask them to tell you more, inquire as to how it affected them, what came up for them, what was familiar, and what they needed or wanted from those around them when it occurred. As they respond back, be silent, take in what they’ve shared, let them know how you felt about what they shared and how it affected you as a white person from a white culture and perspective. Also be willing to be honest how it might have scared you, made you want to be defensive and in denial and also share why. But, most all, take responsibility that those are your reactions and experiences, not the fault of the person being open and honest.

All good relationships go through the trial and tribulations of conflict and differences. And if you are fortunate enough and committed to truly being honest…you will come to that rare and precious place called friendship.

Recent Reflections

Why Is It Up To Us?

March 8, 2023

I’m Afraid I’ll Offend You

February 9, 2023

Where are you from? No, where are you really from?

January 5, 2023

A Different Perspective

December 7, 2022

Broken and Apart

November 7, 2022

A Season of Remembering

October 1, 2022

The Greatest Challenge for Diversity Trainers – Lack of Facilitation Skills

September 8, 2022

We Are Where We Need To Be

August 8, 2022
Lee Mun Wah

Lee Mun Wah

Lee Mun Wah is an internationally renowned Chinese American documentary filmmaker, author, poet, Asian folkteller, educator, community therapist and master diversity trainer. For more than 25 years he was a resource specialist and counselor in the San Francisco Unified School District. He later became a consultant to private schools, working with students that had severe learning and behavioral issues. Lee Mun Wah is now the Executive Director of Stirfry Seminars & Consulting, a diversity training company that provides educational tools and workshops on issues pertaining to cross-cultural communication and awareness, mindful facilitation, and conflict mediation techniques. Thousands of people from government and social service agencies, corporations and educational institutions have taken Lee Mun Wah’s workshops and partnered with Stirfry Seminars & Consulting on their diversity initiatives...   Read More

Lee Mun Wah on Oprah

StirFry Seminars & Consulting

2311 8th Street
Berkeley, CA 94710
(510) 204-8840

Join us on Social

Facebook-f Youtube Linkedin-in

Films and Trainings of Lee Mun Wah

© 2023 StirFry Seminars & Consulting | All Rights Reserved | Privacy Policy